this has been one of the perplexing topics i've struggled with for many years of following Jesus.... yes, i used the word "struggle" because when i thought i've sorta got it, there would be chances to hear something different and befuddle my understandings. and when then i thought i understood a bit more about it, there would be teachings or experiences from others that disorient/challenge my 'learned' concept and so on... not that i constantly oscillate like a pendulum, but in retrospect, my understandings/knowledge/perception about "how to live the will of God" does seem to spiral up... an urge to write down and crystalize my thoughts.. in abundant gratitude of the new insights enlightened by a godly sister/ayi in Christ!
perhaps it's just MY own experiences with my particular background, but basically i can classify my learning cycle to three sections:
1) major absorption of all that i could get immediately after being saved: all my knowledge about what the church is, how the body of Christ should look like/be like, how the Sun service runs, how the Holy Spirit is real and touches me everyday, wherever i go, how to read the Word of God, how to apply them, all the disciple classes and Sun school VOH provides, i'm in it! my 'opinions' in everything that revolves around God were told... which, believe it or not, all have shaped and built my characters and personality people see today. also, that included how i perceived the 'will of God.'
2) learn to have opinions: after being a Christian for many years, particularly after obtaining my master degree in worship leadership at APU, i saw myself exploring theology in a much much wider scope that i've 3never experienced before. and gradually, i've developed my own thinkings... which might or might not be the same as VOH's. somehow, i've somewhat become more determinate, decisive, affirmative, and i admit that at times, strong-willed... which if not guarded with heart, was/am self-centered. just trying to be honest with myself, i think this phase is when people (esp. outsiders) look up to you the most.... or i should say, people think you're confident that you know exactly what you want and i think so too, you can talk as if you're on top of things... and this is what the world 'likes'. people would follow or tend to listen simply because they think you know it, and you do appear so as well. but somewhere inside of me i know there's more to it... this is not IT, and i think i was kinda in this phase...
3) [not that i'm entirely here yet, nor do i state that this is the 'final' phase... for i know my God is forever the same but i am changing, hoping all and really for His sake that i am and will continue to change accordingly; nevertheless, i believe this is the 'best' phase i know at this point] learn to be a follower again, but for a higher calling/cause that is NOT from me, but from Above: alright..... i wish i have a better and shorter term to describe it... but i can't think of any >< well, it is to be .... a FOLLOWER again, but... am FREE in decision making. (not that i didn't 'learn/heard' about this before, but... i think i've not felt it this tangible and concrete, especially now facing my current struggle) 目前感受到的是, 是一個心態... 能自由地去看見, 去做, 去選擇那"真正 神要我做的事情". 中文不能表達得很清楚因為有單複數的問題... ^^" in english: "free in doing ONLY the THINGS God wants me to do." haha.. i know, perhaps it didn't sound much different, but somehow i FEEL the difference this time!!! i think i'm kinda on the right track now in understanding this 'rightly.' "OBEY WHATEVER I HEAR FROM GOD." er... alright, whatever one hears from God and thinks it's from God MIGHT sound really really absurd to others, given the different cultural, familial, and conceptual framework. But to some extent, i was like suddenly being 'opened' in this new insight... that there's no need to fulfill all i want, desires, 想要的... but only the things that God needs/wants me to do. guess i've been thinking and trying to 'dig out' what talents/experiences God has given me and how i SHOULD invest those in ways i thought are the best... and spending my time searching, but... not with a mind of desiring, really.. HIS will. and i narrowed that 'will' too. there're things i want, i like, i desire... and i thought God placed them inside me for a reason and i try to find out what it is (singular... but wouldn't it possible to be more?)... and i must use them. argh... how i've missed the point... that i shouldn't revolve my world around me thinking it's God, but rather really let God be God! it's about my attitude, um.... again, my attitude... it really DOESN'T matter about what i end up choosing/doing, but it's the whole beginning-to-the-end process (all the thoughts during the time), whether i've let "God declare His kingship in me." until i realized that i CAN be soooo free... so calm, so composed, so relieved (doesn't mean/equal to lazy, disorganized, unplanned, etc, you got my point) when i know who's leading me/who i'm relying on (it's a fine line to distinguish where my heart lies i realized... if i use this to gauge). ahem... i was soooo happy and felt relieved when this came to mind!
do what God wants of me is more important (way too!!!) than to do what i perceive i'm capable of and .. proves myself - one aspect i was lingering around after i've moved back to tw. i really got caught up by this 'what to do that pleases God' kinda thought... wanted to find that specific job/calling/destiny so much that i missed the target.
God, thank You for showing me the 'way', now grant me the perseverance to follow through what You've taught me. in Your total freedom and complete redemption, i praise You!
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